Thankful

Birth announcement by my talented bro-in-law, Blake Heywood.

Happy Halle-ween! :)

I've slacked a lot with the blogging since baby girl arrived. And since it's the season of Thanksgiving, I would be remiss if I didn't take some time to write about the many things I'm thankful for in recent weeks.

I'm thankful for modern medicine. Olivia decided to stay in the comfortable darkness of the womb for four extra days. Friday, 10/21, I went in for my 41-week appointment. The midwives took pity on my frazzled mental and emotional state (an overdue pregnancy was torturing me) and sent me over to the hospital to be induced around noon. I checked in, started feeling some mild contractions in the early afternoon, gazed at a breathtakingly lovely view of Utah Valley out of my hospital window for a few hours, got my epidural before any major pain ensued, dilated to 10 cm by about 8:00 p.m., pushed through literally 2-3 contractions, and then welcomed my beautiful Olivia Juliet into the world at 8:53. 8 lbs, 8 oz., 20 in. long. The labor and delivery literally went about as smoothly as a girl could ask for. I was extremely thankful and relieved. Induction was something I wanted to avoid, but decided I needed to go for it in order to salvage my mental health. I was ready...and she was overdue...and my mind was obsessing about the potential complications of an overdue baby. Luckily, things worked out beautifully.

I adored my Olivia from the moment I saw her beautiful head of black hair and heard her continuous coos and sighs...even during her entire first night of sleep. She was a champ at nursing right away and stole our hearts with her big eyes and beautiful little lips (she has her daddy's mouth, for sure). The couple of days in the hospital were filled with visitors, hospital room service, and also some good alone time for me and Nate to bond with our amazing baby girl. She was, and still is, perfect.

The morning before we left the hospital, the pediatrician came in and said Olivia's bilirubin levels were a little high and I needed to bring her back for another screening in two days. I didn't think much of it. Halle had needed to do the same thing. I figured jaundice was common...nothing to stress about. A couple of hours later, the nurse came in and said Olivia had failed two hearing screenings...in both ears. That was not great news for a mother with obsessive thought patterns. I freaked out a little...OK, maybe a lot. Great. My child was going to be deaf. Never mind that all of the hospital personnel assured us that it's fairly common for babies to fail this test in the hospital--they often still have fluid in their ears and that makes it hard to get an accurate result. My child was deaf. I was sure of it. They instructed me to make an appointment with an audiologist in 10 days for another hearing screening.

Since it was Sunday, a couple of members from a local ward brought Nate and I the sacrament before we checked out of the hospital. It was greatly needed. I remember feeling an overwhelming feeling of love, warmth, and peace. Everything was going to be OK. I'm so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and the gift of the Holy Ghost to make our lives better and happier. I'm also thankful that we can always participate in the same gospel ordinances, no matter where we go.

Two days later, I took Olivia in for that second jaundice screening. I received a concerned phone call from her pediatrician's office a few hours later. Her bilirubin levels had literally doubled in those two days. Now was the time for genuine concern. They explained that they would deliver some bilirubin lights for Olivia to lay on for at least the next 24 hours and she was only to be removed from said lights to be fed and changed. The lights would help her work through the jaundice faster. SIX HOURS later, the third-party medical company who was short-staffed finally delivered the lights to a sobbing, worried mother. I feel bad for the poor guy who had to deal with the emotional mess I was in that moment. I finally got Olivia settled in to her personal little tanning bed (that's sort of what it looked like) and she stayed there for the next day. I hated every minute of it. I sat up right next to her, comforting her, holding the pacifier in her mouth. I didn't sleep a wink. I took her back for another blood test the next day and her levels had dropped some, but the doctor still recommended another day of lights. The lights didn't seem to bother her, but they bothered me—it was another day without any sleep. I took her in for another blood test and her levels had dropped out of the high-risk zone. We could officially take her off the lights. I had to do one more blood test the next day to make sure her levels were still going down on their own. Which, luckily, they were. I sighed a huge sigh of relief and tried to catch up on some Zs.

The next Monday was Halloween. We had a fabulous time with Supergirl (a.k.a. Halle). I tried not to worry too much about Olivia's impending audiologist appointment. She seemed to startle at some loud sounds, but not others. I couldn't tell what my sleepy newborn was hearing, if anything at all. In addition, I had a dermatologist appointment scheduled for the same day because of a yucky little mole on my arm that had completely changed color and had me worried. The day of both appointments arrived, and thankfully, it was a day of good news. Olivia's ears are both fine. She passed her test with flying colors. And after a biopsy, the dermatologist confirmed that my mole is benign.

All of this was followed by a scare at the optical center in which the doctor thought I might have glaucoma. Turns out everything is fine there, too. I got my badly-needed new eyeglasses prescription and, for now, everyone in our house is healthy and happy. Nate is the most wonderful father. As usual, he's picked up on everything so quickly, and he does so many things to help, without even being asked. He's become quite the expert diaper changer and Olivia is already enamored by him when he sings her to sleep. I love him so much and I'm so thankful for who he is.

In fact, I feel a depth of happiness I didn't know was possible for me. I don't care about material possessions, things I used to want, or petty unimportant concerns I used to have. I just want to be with my husband and our two girls. I want to take care of them and teach them and play with them and watch them grow. That's all that matters. I am so incredibly blessed and I know these blessings come from a loving Heavenly Father who answers prayers. I know we'll have challenges and trials as a family. But we're sealed together forever. And for the first time, I really feel the gravity of exactly what that means. We'll always have each other, and a Heavenly Father and Savior to help us through what's hard. How can I not be infinitely grateful and happy about that?

The Light at the End...

Today was bittersweet. I had been debating whether or not to continue working just a few hours a week from home even after the baby comes because I truly enjoy the work I do. I've invested a big part of my life in my career, developing a skill set in a field I am passionate about. But my family is most important. And so I told my current company that I can't commit to any more than about 10 hours a week from home. Today, they told me that the company policy is a minimum of 20 hours a week to stay on as a part-time employee. So, sadly, I told them that was more than I could commit to. I may still be able to help them here and there as a contract employee, but it won't be anything regular.

The Creative Teams Director announced to the majority of the company that I wouldn't be returning after I have my baby and led everyone in a round of applause for my contributions over the last 10 months. My immediate supervisor, in my performance review later in the afternoon, even got a little teary and told me how much they would miss me at the company. She paid me some of the highest compliments I've ever received and insisted that I'd have a job waiting for me if I ever decided to come back. But she was very supportive and understanding of my decision to be with my children. I appreciated that the most. And I felt overwhelmed with emotion myself. Following the sick day at home with Halle in which I realized how different my life is going to become in the next few months, the final discussion of my future at work was very poignant for me. It is beyond strange to think that I won't be going in to the office every day. Again, I wouldn't have it any other way, I was just struck by how it affected me.

And I still have four weeks of hard work left ahead of me before I officially say goodbye. I'll do what I can to wring every last drop of learning and growth out of this phase of my life. Then I'll move on to the next chapter and not look back.

Change Is the Only Constant

It's an overused saying...but it seems to hold true in my life. Halle woke me up at 5 a.m. on Tuesday with vomit all over her clothes and bedding. Oh, and she scattered some around our room on the way in to wake me. After cleaning her up and throwing the yucky stuff in the wash, we finally settled back to sleep. I wasn't sure if she had a stomach virus or just ate something bad. So I decided to keep her home from preschool and I decided to take a sick day and stay home from work as well.

I've worked full-time pretty much Halle's entire life. I took a 12-week maternity leave after she was born. But since then, I've really not been able to spend many days home all day alone with her. Sure, I'm home with her on the weekends; but Nate or other people in my family are usually there, too. It's very rare that she and I get to spend an entire weekday together, just the two of us. It was eye-opening. Wonderful—but eye-opening. I've been longing to be a stay-at-home-mom since Halle was born. Now that baby girl #2 is on the way, I finally get my wish. But this is following ten years of a full-time career. Ten years of being the “breadwinner” in my family. Ten years of juggling home and career responsibilities.

Halle woke up again at around 9:00 that same Tuesday morning and seemed fine. But I still didn't think it was safe for her to go to school (I didn't want her spreading some virus to her whole class). So, she and I had an entire day to kill. And for a moment, I felt a bit paralyzed. What do moms do with their kids when they're home with them all day? I mean, I could certainly come up with things around the house I needed to do...and I wasn't sure we were completely past the point of potential vomit, so I didn't feel like we should set out to do anything too adventurous. I guess the realization that whacked me over the head was what a completely different day-to-day existence I'm going to lead in about four more weeks. Sure, I'll have a newborn in the mix at that point, and I'll certainly not lack for things to manage. But for the first time, I really thought about how different my life will be. Not easier by any means—just totally different. It will be amazing to get to be home with my girls. But if I'm honest, I think it's going to take a good chunk of time for me to wrap my brain around a new routine, and a new me.

As the day wore on, this realization became even more clear. First big mistake—taking Halle to check out the Lindon Walmart during the middle of the afternoon (the part of the day in which she is most tired) and forgetting that I'm still eight months pregnant. Bad, bad idea. She whined and cried the entire time and I couldn't physically pick her up and make her go where I needed her to go. I had wanted to get her out of the house to do something—this was not the best choice, obviously, even though she at first agreed that it was something she'd like to do. You would think that as a mom of a four-year-old child, I would avoid this silly mistake. But, you see, my child has spent the majority of her afternoons being cared for by someone who is not me. A sad, yet true statement. And so, I realize that I will probably need to learn to be a stay-at-home mom to a newborn and a four-year-old at the same time...in many ways for the first time.

By the time Nate came home from work, I had managed to cook dinner. But the house was a wreck. This normally drives me crazy. But Halle and I had played and colored and danced throughout the afternoon, and those activities created some mess. At that point, I was too tired to care. How do stay-at-home moms deal with all the messes? I was a bit baffled. Eventually, I found some time later in the evening to pick up the clutter, do the dishes, and even throw in a load of laundry. We read scriptures and said our family prayer. I practiced reading some new words with Halle, we read her princess book, and I got her in bed way earlier than I usually do. By the end of the night, I felt pretty good about things. But I still reflected upon how strange and even awkward the day had felt in some moments. For as much change as I have experienced in the last year, I think one of the biggest changes of all is yet to come. I hope I'm ready for it.

Some Rest for the Weary

I've always considered myself an ambitious person. I try to be the best I can be at everything I do. But after this last year, I'm beginning to feel certifiably nuts. Here's a little recap of the last 12 months:

• September 14, 2010: Got engaged at the Provo temple.

• October/November 2010: Embarked on two very long business trips to Flagstaff, AZ and Ft. Dodge, IA to observe two Purina pet food plants (yes...true story). Both trips involved flights, long drives in rental cars, hard hats, and steel-toed boots.

• December 8, 2010: Worked my last day as an Instructional Design Lead at Allen Communication Learning Services in Salt Lake.

• December 9, 2010: Started my new full-time job as an Instructional Designer for Imagine Learning in Provo.

• August 16, 2010-December 10, 2010: Drove from Woods Cross to Provo at least 3-4 times a week to see Nate as he worked through his second year of law school at BYU. We were crazy in love...what else can I say?

• December 11, 2010: Moved from Woods Cross to Provo (somehow downsizing from a four-bedroom house to a teeny two-bedroom apartment).

• December 11, 2010-March 15, 2010: Couldn't sell my house in Woods Cross, so paid the mortgage on the house AND rent on the new place. :(

• December 18-20, 2010: Drove a VERY long way from Provo to Dallas, TX.

• December 23, 2010: Married my love in the Dallas LDS Temple. The best day of my life.

• December 27-29, 2010: Braved a blizzard that covered the majority of the intermountain west to drive from Dallas back to Provo. We thought we might be found frozen in our little Honda Civic somewhere between Salina and Nephi.

• Sometime mid-January 2011: Became pregnant with my second child.

• January 2011-April 2011: Taught Halle's primary class of three Sunbeams in our BYU married student ward.

• January 20, 2011: Celebrated Halle's fourth birthday.

• February 1, 2011-May 1, 2011: Endured pretty constant nausea and emotional distress as my first trimester inflicted its wrath on our newlywed relationship.

• March 11, 2011: Celebrated my 30th birthday. 

• Mid-March 2011: Finally found wonderful renters for the Woods Cross house (Nate's cousin and her family).

• April 25-April 28, 2011: Took a much needed family vacation to Disneyland and the beach, which Halle still mentions in her prayers every day.

• May 1, 2011-August 16, 2011: Nate and Halle took the bus together from Provo to Salt Lake so he could work as a law clerk at Christensen & Jensen and she could be babysat by my mom and grandma in Bountiful. She also went to two dance classes each week.

• June 2011-August 2011: Taught the Temple Preparation Sunday School class in our new Provo Married Student Ward.

• June 3, 2011: Found out baby #2 is a girl.

• June 17-19, 2011: Celebrated Nate's 26th birthday and his first Father's Day in the same weekend.

• August 9, 2011: Christensen & Jensen offered Nate a full-time associate position upon graduation and passing the bar. We are so grateful.

• August 16, 2011: Nate started his third and final year of law school at BYU while I continue to work full-time at Imagine Learning until the baby comes.

• August 18, 2011: Halle started Provo rec youth soccer.

• August 19, 2011: Switched from an OB to a group of midwives during my 32^nd week of pregnancy in hopes of having a more humane experience (mission accomplished, thank goodness).

• August 23, 2011: Halle started her second year of preschool.

• August 27, 2011: Moved AGAIN to our current home in north Orem so we could have more space for baby girl on the way.

And here I sit on the evening of August 31, 2011, thinking back on the whirlwind of a year our family has had: two moves; working full-time and switching jobs; getting married; adjusting to our new blended family; expecting a new baby; law school; church responsibilities; figuring out how to be landlords; scheduling babysitting for Halle (often driving her up to Bountiful) and shuttling her to school, dance, and soccer; and I'm not surprised that I was up last night puking my guts out in my third trimester, not my first.

Overall, I'm just incredibly tired. And I KNOW that's not going to get any better once this baby girl makes her debut (in only six weeks!). So I'm setting a goal to let things slide a bit more than I normally would for my health and sanity's sake. I let myself get run down—I've had headaches and nausea earlier this week followed by stomach pain and vomiting last night. As unbelievable as it might seem, my pregnancies bring a ton of nausea and not really any vomiting. And I hate throwing up so much that, before last night, I don't think I'd allowed myself the disgusting opportunity since before I was pregnant with Halle (about FIVE years ago). So, my body is obviously telling me to slow down. And I know I need to listen.

In spite of everything, I'm grateful for the blessings we've had as a family this year. I'm so grateful for a wonderful, patient, and loving husband who works unbelievably hard and takes such good care of me and our girls. And I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who have protected and blessed our family and undoubtedly make up the difference each day. I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store for us.

After Six Months He Deserves a Medal

...or a cheesy mug with a trophy on it. :)

Last Thursday was my six-month wedding anniversary. And although six months may not seem like a long time, I wanted to take the time to expound upon how amazing my husband is. These six months have most likely felt like six years for him.

Only one year ago, he and I met at a single adult church activity. He was less than enthusiastic about attending, and I showed up as a last-ditch effort to turn a disastrous relationship history into something good (the clock was not on my side...biological, or any other kind). And yet, somehow, the timing was perfect. We crossed paths at the end of what would have otherwise been a less-than-inspiring speed dating activity, and the rest was history.

But wait, there's more. The thing that made my husband a man wise and capable beyond his then 25 years was his maturity in giving me a chance. Sure, I wasn't completely unfortunate to look at (I was enjoying the smallest dress size of my post-pubescent life), and that scored me a first glance and a first activity invitation. He invited me to listen to him play/sing a solo gig he did now and then at his apartment. After much deliberation on my part (I was 29, divorced, and had a three-year-old...I wasn't exactly in my element hanging out with singles in their early or even mid-20s) I decided to make an appearance.

There were dozens of other girls lining the perimeter of the apartment, gazing at Nate with stars in their eyes (or I guess they could have been dollar signs...he had just finished his first year of law school at BYU). And throughout the course of the evening, as he serenaded the audience, I was gradually lulled under a lovely spell that wouldn't be broken. I was hooked, I was petrified, and in that moment I was especially mortified. I liked him. A lot. He was handsome, talented, smart, and funny. A glance around the room confirmed that I wasn't alone in my sentiments. I immediately felt out of place. What was I doing there? What was I thinking? Why would someone like him ever be interested in dating someone like me? He could choose to be with any of a million girls. Girls without baggage.

After he finished playing, he paid me a fair amount of personal attention, but sort of ushered everyone out of his place a little early (he explained this later...he had a lot going on and was exhausted). My friend Natalie had been kind enough to tag along with me so I didn't have to brave the unknown alone. She let me vent and analyze the whole situation till there really wasn't much else to say. I felt foolish. Why in the world would I think someone four years younger than I was, in such a different place in life, be interested in dating me? It was settled. I would not be venturing into the world of younger men. Ever. Again. I was certain I would be limited to older divorced men, with children—you know, people like me. The feeling followed me like a rain cloud the rest of the weekend. I felt silly and just plain stupid. Looking back now, I know it was a very adversarial feeling. Something—or someone—didn't want me to feel loveable or confident enough to be with someone great—wanted me to feel that I didn't deserve to be happy.

And so, I was completely floored to get a phone call from Nate the next day. He wanted to take me to dinner. And here's the best part—one of the realities of living in the digital age is the easy access to information, including information about people. I had a Facebook page, I had a blog, therefore I opened myself up for investigation. And so he knew. He always knew who I was and what my life consisted of. Sure, it took him a few dates to get used to the idea. Heck, it took me a few dates to feel comfortable opening up (I actually didn't tell him about my divorce or Halle until our fourth or fifth date). But he always knew. I didn't know he knew (that's another story), but nothing deterred him from at first focusing on just me. At 25 he was willing to put aside everything that haunted my past and complicated my present and give me a chance. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Don't get me wrong, I overlooked a few missteps on his part (the story of our first date, although hilarious, will be saved for another post). But in the months that followed, he drove from Provo to Bountiful 3-5 times a week just to spend a few hours with me. He made room in his heart for a three-year-old girl who fell in love with him as quickly as I did and who needed him in her life desperately. He helped me move to Provo and let me vent about the challenges of starting a brand new job. He married me in the temple and gave me the most incredible in-laws a girl could ever ask for. And he continues to weather the raging storms of hormones that have accompanied a very difficult pregnancy. And it's only been one year since we met—six months since we made it official. He is the most wonderful, patient, loving, Christlike man I know. I'm so lucky to get to celebrate an endless number of anniversaries with him.

And just as an endnote: I hope anyone reading our story feels hope. I hope you know that anything is possible. Great things happen when you least expect it. Our little family is living proof.

Sunday Nights

Caution: This post may be perceived as sort of a downer. But it’s as real as it gets for me. And one of the purposes of this blog, for me, is to share the ups and downs of my particular path in life. And I guess I’m hoping that by getting it out, maybe I’ll somehow feel at least a little bit better.

I'm sure everyone would agree that we all have our own challenges in life. Sunday nights are mine. Following a weekend that is, no doubt, the best part of my week, the 8 o’clock hour always rolls around, no matter how much I wish time would just stop. I lovingly, yet begrudgingly, buckle my heart into the back seat of my car and drive 30 minutes—blinking back burning tears and swallowing the huge lump in my throat the whole way (because, you see, my heart is watching me intently the entire time in the rear-view mirror). I try to make cheerful conversation, to hopefully make our trip less daunting. More often than not my heart says nothing—often nodding off to sleep, I can only pray finding some comfort in the consistency of the routine. I’m usually happier for the silence. The times filled with words are tinged with protest, leaving me to wonder if my heart is damaged by the trip, or is on the verge of breaking. So I try not to think about it. I just watch the fiery colors of the sunset in the west and avoid contemplating the inevitable.

The moment always comes and goes. I release my heart in a grocery store parking lot. Just like that. I hand my heart over to someone else. Not just anyone—someone who once chose to break my heart…a long time ago. I watch my heart walk away, climb into another car, and instantly settle into another life. In less than 30 seconds—she’s gone.

And I wait. Sometimes it overcomes me, like a terrible wave and I gasp for air through a flood of sobs. Sometimes it just bounces around inside me, like the remnants of an echo in a stony ravine. Sometimes it stings as it smolders, a slow burn—resigned. But always, there’s pain.

I do my best to, again, drive 30 minutes. And somehow I walk around for the next three days. 72 whole hours without my heart. I still have my brain, so I wonder if she’s happy, I worry that she’s not getting what she needs, I rack my brain again and again for any solution I can think of to fix the situation, to make it different. Then I remind myself—of course I would make it different in less than a second…if there was any way I could. For now, there is not.

This is our reality—hers and mine. Somehow we try to make the best of what life brings, even when we’re left to deal with the consequences of others’ decisions. Even if it's for years.

Most of the time, she actually shoulders the back and forth much better than I do. I guess it makes it harder that I don’t get to be home with her during some of the days she's “mine.” Instead I go to work, so she can eat and have a place to live. But I think about her every second I’m away. And I would do anything to be home reading Amelia Bedelia and playing hopscotch instead. So for about 92 hours of each week, I know someone else is getting to raise her, hold her, and teach her. Not me.

So I do my very best to squeeze every last drop out of the time I have with her. It’s most certainly the greatest challenge in my life. Yet she is my greatest blessing. She is my heart. 

I am aware that, most of the time, I clearly do not take a “glass half full” approach to my situation. I do the very best I know how. Because really, I guess that’s how Sunday nights and the 92 hours away from her each week feel for me. Empty.

I’m honestly still figuring out what I’m supposed to learn from this stretch of my path in life. But I hope she learns something. I hope she knows that I always did the very best I could for her because I love her more than my own life. I hope she learns to be strong in a world that grows more challenging and evil every day. I hope she learns to be flexible because heaven knows life asks that of all of us more than we would like. Most of all, I hope that as she is passed around to and from so many different sets of arms, she gets more hugs and she feels more love.

I've Been Bitten

This will not be me in 10 years.

It's always been a goal of mine to someday figure out how to really stretch my budget. So, I finally decided there's no point in putting it off any longer. I've officially become....a coupon lady (the kind of woman I was intensely annoyed by as recently as two months ago). Nate has a paid clerkship with a law firm this summer, so we're saving, saving, saving for when baby girl comes in October. Finally, after five and a half years of waiting (not always patiently), I'll be able to be a full-time mom and part-time instructional designer (I enjoy what I do and I'd like to keep working just a few hours a week to keep my skill set current). But I want so much for the transition to be as financially smooth as possible. So I've started looking for any way I can save even more money in the coming months.

I used to think I didn't have time to clip coupons, so I'd just try to hit Walmart for what we needed when we needed it. I think it was finally the dismal abyss that is the Orem Walmart that pushed me to hunt for deals elsewhere. It's only been a couple of weeks since I've started paying close attention to weekly store ads and collecting whatever coupons I can. I do have one rule...I refuse to fill my house with stores of random things I really don't use or need--even if they're free. But, I've saved way more money than I expected. Just today, I scored $65 of groceries for about $20. And I'm officially addicted. It's a great outlet for my obsessive-compulsive tendencies and my brain is constantly on the prowl for the next great deal.

However, it's definitely been a learning process. It's not exactly as glamorous as the TLC promos would have you believe. When you start couponing, here's what nobody tells you:

1) Those other coupon ladies mean business. Rather than having it delivered, it's cheaper to just go get your Sunday newspaper(s) from one of the little boxes on Sunday morning...HA...that's if you think you can actually FIND a Sunday paper in ANY box anywhere in the Provo city limits and get a full night's sleep. So far, I've managed to find what I need, but I have to get up at the crack of dawn (or Nate does--oh, how I love him) and drive all over town scrounging for the leftovers.

2) Did I mention those other coupon ladies mean business? Occasionally, you can use coupons to find an uber-amazing deal on something, something that's totally free, or sometimes something that even makes you money. This is where working full-time leaves me choking on "extreme coupon lady" dust. By the time I get to the stores at the end of my work day (on the very first day of the new sale, mind you...I'm not extreme, but I'm not complacent, either) all of the really good stuff is gone. Shelves completely cleared.

3) To get the really good deals, you very often have to instruct the checker to scan each item you want to purchase as a separate transaction. All of you fellow coupon ladies out there know that this is the best way to get the coupon discount plus all of the in-store discounts. BUT, this makes you very unpopular with the growing line of disgruntled customers behind you, most of whom just want to pick up a Pepsi or a carton of cigarettes (basically the people who had previously never even had a second thought about coupons and now hate them because I make them wait 10 more minutes to get their nicotine fix).Yeah, I'm now that lady.

Good thing getting to be at home with my babies is the best kind of motivation. Otherwise, this would all be way too much hassle.